Frommy’s World

It was a time when innocence ruled and things were much more simple…No, not the 1950s, but the days when our public school system offered free physicals. If you haven’t had the pleasure to participate in what was one of the most memorable portions of youth, then I suggest making your way down to the nearest cattle farm for an observation in poking and prodding. Free physicals was a pastime not appreciated by many who partook, but now that this annual event is no longer, I thought I’d give prose to a once real life drama.

When older you will have filled those now empty shelves in your head with life’s many little experiences. I remember my days of public education when we (i.e., secondary students) all bused over to Monticello Middle School for our free physicals. This was a yearly ritual for those of us who participated in school athletics. Some of my fondest memories of public education took place in that building…and I went to Cascade! This is where I grew up and got educated.

The first thing (okay, maybe not the first thing) I remember is how as a green sixth grader I showed up a little unprepared. I had no idea I would be lined up like cattle for countless doctors and nurses to poke and prod not only my body, but also my pride. I remember having nothing to wear but my titie-whities and realizing that someone forgot to send me the memo. To top it off, every doctor and nurse had hands of ice. I swear they turn up the air-conditioning just for their own sick pleasure.

I remember arriving overly prepared with my sample (quart) of urine for them to examine. I remember the mechanical wall that split the gym in half with guys on one side and girls on the other. I remember from time to time someone (a nurse) would make his or her way back and forth between the girl’s side and the guy’s side and forget to close the door…Didn’t their mother teach them anything! However, most of all I remember that long ascension up stairs to a second gymnasium.

Outside of a cough or two every half minute, it was strangely silent as we herded up those stairs in a single file line of fruit-of-the-loom’s finest. As I made my way to the top I could hear the slight sounds of laughter mixed in with an ever-increasing bout of coughing fits. The light began to get brighter as I neared the top edge of the stairs. You know how people describe those near death experiences, “I saw a light,” well I saw the light all right. I literally saw my life flash before my eyes. At the summit of our stair climb a doctor (who was the father of a girl I went to school with) was sitting in a chair wearing latex gloves. What he was about to ask me to do is unmentionable, and as a sixth grader unfathomable. I choked what pride I had left and did as the doctor asked. The strees placed upon me could have lead to a hernia. At last I thought the cattle drive had mercilessly ended. However, to further my humiliation, across the upstairs gym floor was a female nurse collecting filled out physical cards at a desk that sat in front of our only course of escape…the back stairs.

As the years passed I realized that shorts were just as effective as underwear and that smaller urine samples were not only easier to carry, but less conspicuous as well. If you truly want to form some lasting memories and be provided with the best public education has to offer, turn your head and join me in the campaign to bring back free physicals.